Deadpool at Twilight
by MadHattersHat27
Summary: Deadpool goes through the events of his movie, but instead of Vanessa he has a young werewolf by his side...
1. Chapter 1

**A.N. Hi! Sorry, but I love Deadpool and Seth so I decided to make a 'Seth imprints on Wade fanfiction. So this is Deadpool, but if Seth was Vanessa. I do not own the cover image but it was amazing so I used it.**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Deadpool or Twilight, but I sort of wish I did. Own Deadpool, I mean, I'm not as big a fan of Twilight. Only Seth... and Leah...**

* * *

Wade was sitting in the back of a taxi, looking at some pamphlets. Dressed in his Deadpool outfit, complete with all of his weapons, he picked a pamphlet advertising 'Haunted Segway Tours', folded it up and put it in his pocket. He plays with the window, opening and closing it, putting his hand out and making 'wind' noises. Finding some gum on the ceiling of the car, he flicks it but it lands on the camera lens. He picks it off.

Suddenly, he poked his head through the divider, startling the driver.

"Kinda lonesome back here." Deadpool said. All the while climbing through the divider. "Little help?"

"Sir, I have to keep my hands on the wheel." The cab driver said nervously.

Deadpool finished climbing through and the cab driver sticks out his hand.

"Dopinder." He said.

"Pool. Dead." Deadpool greets him.

They shake hands and Deadpool notices a picture of a cute girl on Dopinder's dashboard.

"Mmm. Nice."

"Smells good no?" Dopinder was, of course, talking about the scented flower on the dashboard next to the girl.

"Not the Daffodil Daydream. The girl." Deadpool greets him.

"Ah, yes. Gita. She is quite lovely. She would have made me a very agreeable wife, but, um... Gita's heart has been stolen by my cousin Bantu. He is as dishonourable as he is attractive." Dopinder reveals to Deadpool.

"Dopinder, I'm starting to think there's a reason I'm in this cab today."

"Yes, sir, you called for it, remember?"

"No, my slender, brown friend. Love is a beautiful thing. When you find it, the whole world tastes like Daffodil Daydream."

"Mmm." Dopinder hums in agreement. And confusion.

"So you gotta hold onto love. Tight!" Deadpool makes a fist and Dopinder copies him.

"And never let it go." Deadpool says. "Don't make the same mistakes I did. Got it?"

Dopinder nods.

"Yes." Dopinder says.

"Or else the whole world tastes like Mama June after hot yoga."

Stuttering, Dopinder asks, "Sir, what does Mama June taste like?"

"Like two hobos fucking in a shoe filled with piss."

"Okay, stop." Dopinder pleads with Deadpool.

"I can go all day, Dopinder. The point is, it's bad." Deadpool assures the other man (boy?).

"It's bad," Dopinder repeats. "Uh, why the fancy red suit Mr Pool?"

"Oh, that's because it's Christmas Day, Dopinder. And I'm after someone on my naughty list. I've been waiting one year, three weeks, six days, and oh..." He checks his Adventure Time watch. "Fourteen minutes to make him fix what he did to me."

"And what did he do to you?"

"This shit." Deadpool said after lifting up his mask and pointing to his heavily scarred face. "Boo!"

* * *

Francis was sitting on top of a crate while a helicopter landed a few yards away. Some men got off and one approached him. Francis smiled, and tapped on the crate before standing up.

"They won't disappoint." Francis said.

"They better not." The man said. "What about next month's shipment?"

"There won't be one. You're not the only one with a war to win." Francis said, smiling.

"That won't do."

"See, we've had this small disruption to our supply chain." Francis grabbed the man by the neck and lifted him into the air.

"We'd appreciate your patience." Francis said.

"Okay!" The man said.

"We'll deliver in full the following month."

He dropped the man, who chokes a little.

"Pleasure doing business with you." Francis said, walking off in true bad-guy fashion and he and his men leave.

"Fucking mutant!" The man said to himself.

Some men grab the crates and Francis's convoy drives off.

* * *

Deadpool begins patting his costume, looking for something. He looks in the backseat.

"Aw, shit! I forgot my ammo bag." He whines.

"Shall we turn back?" Dopinder asks.

"Nope, no time. Fuck it. I got this. Nine, ten, eleven, twelve bullets, or bust." He said counting his bullets. "We're here!"

Dopinder slams on the brakes while they're on the middle of a bridge over a highway.

Turning to Deadpool, Dopinder says, "That's, uh, twenty seven fifty."

"I, I never carry a wallet while I'm working. Ruins the lines of my suit."

"Oh!" Dopinder says disappointedly.

"But, uh, how 'bout a crisp high-five!"

"Okay." They high-five.

"Merry Christmas!" Deadpool says.

"And a convivial Tuesday in April to you too, Mr Pool!"

He got out of the cab and sat on the edge of the railing, listening to music while colouring a picture he drew with crayons. He started singing along with the music. The picture is one of him shooting a man in the head with a speech bubble coming from the dead man saying, 'Hi! I'm Francis!'

He turns his head to the camera.

"Wha- Oh! Oh, hello. I know, right? Who's balls did I have to fondle to get my very own movie? I can't tell you, but it does rhyme with 'Pullverine'. And let me tell you," He switches to an Australian accent. "He's got a nice pair of smooth criminals down under. Anyway, I got places to be, a face to fix, and - oh! Bad guys to kill."

He had spotted Francis's convoy.

"Maximum effort."

He walks off to the side of the bridge, landing in one of the cars in the convoy. He beats all of the men in the car, sending one flying out of the car and only barely holding on to the back. Deadpool just laughs at him. One of the men takes his head and slams it into a car seat.

"Rich, corinthian leather."

He beats the man holding him down before snapping his neck.

"I'm looking for Francis. How have you seen this man?" He holds up his crayon drawing. But the man just shoves Deadpool's head into the car radio, changing the station. Someone rides up next to the car on a motorcycle. They fire into the car but end up killing everyone but Deadpool.

Deadpool kicked the car door opening, sending the guy on the motorcycle flying. The guy on the back starts to pull himself back up. Deadpool holds the gas pedal down, and they crash into the car in front. Deadpool takes both of the men in headlocks. For one of them, he took out a cigarette lighter and branded it on the man's forehead. Then he shoved it into the man's mouth and holds the jaw shut.

"I've never said this, but don't swallow." Deadpool said.

Another car pulls up beside them. Inside, men are prepared to shoot. Deadpool swerved the car, causing it to flip and crash. In the car, Deadpool grabbed the man on the motorcycle by the waist, pulling him into the sinning wreck. Everything slowed down for a moment.

"Shit. Did I leave the stove on?" Deadpool asked the audience.

Everything returned to normal speed as a chain sliced the biker's head off. Another man is sent flying, crashing into a highway sign as bodies fell out of the car. Finally the car came to a stop...

* * *

At Xavier's mansion, Colossus was eating cereal while watching the news report.

"Now, breaking news: A multi car collision turned shots fired on the crosstown expressway this morning. Gridlock has kept people from the scene." The news reporter on the television was saying. "Residents are advised to remain in their homes, the assailant appears to be armed, dangerous, and wearing a red suit."

"Red suit." Colossus said at the same time as the news reporter.

He slams his hands on the table and stands up.

"Deadpool. Negasonic! Come. We have mission."

They walked side by side down a hallway and approach a door, which opens automatically.

"Colossus, wait up!" Negasonic called to the larger man.

They approached a plane in the hanger.

"I've given Deadpool every chance to join us. But he'd rather act like a child. A heavily armed child. When will he grow up and see benefits of becoming X-Man?" Colossus asked Negasonic.

"Which benefits? The matching unitards? The house that blows up every few years?" She said sarcastically.

"Please. House blowing up builds character. You ate breakfast, yes? Breakfast is most important meal of day. Here. Protein bar. Good for bones." He handed a protein bar to Negasonic. "Deadpool may try to break yours."

They took off in the plane, towards where Deadpool was.

* * *

A number of men got out of surrounding cars with guns and approach the car that Deadpool is in. He rolls down the window and pops his head back up.

"Hey! Oh!" Deadpool says.

The men had begun shooting at him, so he put his head back down. After a moment they stopped. Some of them exchange glances and they all approach the car . Deadpool throws his hands up.

"Wait! You may be wondering, why the red suit? Well, that's so bad guys can't see me bleed. This guy's got the right idea." He pointed to one of the men.

"He wore the brown pants!"

The man shoots at the car for the moment so Deadpool put his hands down.

"Fine! I only have twelve bullets, so you're going to have to share. Let's count 'em down."

He jumped into the air, quickly firing off two shots, the casings having '12' and '11' on them. Two men get shot in the head. The men begin shooting again. One rider past on a motorcycle, shooting as he goes. Deadpool looked down at his arm.

"Shit!"

He held his arm out, to reveal a bullet hole going straight through his arm. Through the hole he sees the motorcycle coming back.

"Mother fucker! Ten." He shoots and misses. "Shit! Nine." He misses again. "Fuck! Eight." He one again missed. "Shit fuck!"

He leapt over the car and takes aim but loses his chance at a good shot as the motorcycle drove away.

"Bad Deadpool."

He notices one of the men sneaking around the car, unaware that Deadpool was behind him. Deadpool shot him in the head.

"Seven. Good Deadpool."

Another man began shooting at him. Deadpool hid behind a car. The man reloads and shoots some more, then jumps on the car to find Deadpool seductively posed. He tries to shoot but his gun just clicks.

"Someone's not counting."

He shot the man in the head.

"Six."

A pair of men approached, one armed with a grenade. Deadpool shot it while it was still in the man's hand causing it to explode and kill both men. The bullet casing said five on it. Deadpool did a celebratory dance. Someone sneaks up behind him and shoots him. Deadpool lied down on the floor, pretending to be dead. The man approached.

"Four."

He shoots the man between his legs. He got up groaning.

"Ah! Right up main street."

He walked up to the man he just shot and shoots him again twice.

"Three! Two! Stupid! Worth it."

Some more men begin shooting at him so he ducked behind another car. Three men approached it. Deadpool jumps over the car and shoots his last bullet, passing through all of their heads. Deadpool smelled the smoke from his guns.

"Ooh! I'm touching myself tonight."

Deadpool begins prancing through the wreckage and bodies.

"Francis! Francis!"

He searches one of the cars.

"What the shit biscuit! Where are you at, Francis?"

Behind him, one of the men he shot gets up.

"Ugh. You're not Francis."

Rather than killing him, the bullet just lodged in his forehead. He pulls it out and rolls up his sleeves.

"Really? Rolling up the sleeves?"

The man pulls out some knives and charges at Deadpool. Deadpool takes out his swords and skewers the man. Everything slowed to a stop.

Deadpool started narrating, "You're probably thinking, 'My boyfriend said this was a superhero movie, but this guy in the red suit just turned the other guy into a fucking kebab.' Well, I may be super, but I'm no hero. And yeah, technically, this is murder. But some of the best love stories start with a murder. And this is exactly what this is. A love story. And to tell it right, I gotta take you back to way before I squeezed this ass into red spandex."


	2. Chapter 2

**A.N. Hi! Second chapter – We meet Seth.**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own anything nor do I make any money by doing this. It's just for fun!**

* * *

Two Years Ago:

A man stood at his door, arguing with the delivery boy.

"Look, what if I slow it down for you? I didn't order the pizza." The man said.

"Is this 7348 Red Ledge Drive? Are you Mr Merchant?" The delivery boy asked.

"Yeah, the Mr Merchant, who didn't order the fucking pie!"

"Then who placed the call?"

Suddenly, Wade Wilson's voice calls out from the bathroom.

"I did. Pineapple and olive? Sweet and salty." He says, walking over and the delivery boy hands the pizza over to Wade.

"Fuck are you? The fuck are you doing in my crib?" Mr Merchant asked angrily. But Wade pulled out a gun, making the man back off.

"Is it bread crust?" Wade asks.

"Oh, God, I hope not." The delivery boy replies.

"Woah, man, look. If this is about that poker game, I told him, I told Howie that uh... Just, uh, take whatever you want." Merchant handed Wade his wallet.

"Thanks." Wade said, pocketing it.

"Sir, before you do anything to him, mind if I get a big tip?" Delivery boy pipes up.

"Jeremy, is it?" Wade asks and at Jeremy's nod, continues. "That is ah, a no go on the tiperoo, Jer. I'm not here for him. I'm here for you." Wade turned his gun from Merchant to Jeremy.

"Oh, hey, wow, dodged a big time bullet on that one!" Merchant says, laughing a little.

"You're not out of the woods yet." Wade said. "You need to seriously ease up on the bedazzling. They're jeans, not a chandelier. P.S., I am keeping you wallet. You did kind of give it to me."

"Hey, look man, can I just have my Sam's Card..."

"I will shoot your fucking cat." Wade said turning the gun back onto Merchant.

"I don't even know what that means. I don't have a cat."

"Then who's kitty litter did I just shit in?"

No one said anything but the Jeremy and Merchant exchanged confused glances.

"Anywho, tell me something, what situation isn't improved by pizza? Do you happen to know a Megan, Orflowsky? Olavsky? Orlovsky? Am I getting that right?"

Jeremy nods.

"Good." Wade says before eating a slice of pizza.

"Cause she knows you. Jeremy, I belong to a group of guys who take a dime to beat a fella down."

Wade hands a slice of pizza to Merchant but drops it on the floor just as Merchant reached for it.

"And Megan, she's not made of money, but lucky for her, I got a soft spot."

Jeremy doesn't know what to say. "I'm, uh..."

"A stalker." Wade supplies for him. "Threats hurt, Jer. But not nearly as much as serrated steel. So keep away from Megan. Cool?"

"Yes sir." Jeremy says.

"Kay, we're cool." Wade says casually, putting his gun away.

"Wait, we are?" Jeremy stuttered.

"Yeah, totally done." They all start laughing and Wade points to Merchant.

"You should have seen your face!" The merc said.

"I didn't know what to do. I was so scared."

"Soft spot, remember?"

Suddenly, Wade grabs Jeremy by the neck and pins him against the wall.

"Read a book in her general direction again, and you will learn in the worst ways that I have some hard spots too." Wade looked down for a second, frowning, before looking back at Jeremy. "That came out wrong. Or did it?"

Wade gently kisses Jeremy's cheek and Jeremy whimpers.

* * *

A bunch of teenagers a hanging out at a skate park. Wade arrived and walked to a group of girls, pointing to a blonde one in the middle of the group.

"Megan."

He throws down a pizza box and some photos of him holding a gun to Jeremy's head.

"You've heard the last of Jeremy. He's sorry." Wade announced as Megan bent down to look at the photos.

"No friggin' way!" She exclaims.

"Shoulda brought my roller blades. Show these kids how it's done." Megan got up and hugged him around the middle.

"And that's why we do it. But mostly the money." He says to the other girls while Megan is still hugging him.

"Think you can fuck up my step-dad?" One of the girl asks him.

"If I give a guy a pavement-facial, it's cause he's earned it." He began to leave.

"Hey, wait! You're my hero." Megan called after him.

"No, no, no, no, no. _That_ I ain't." Wade called out behind him without turning around.

* * *

Wade was walking on a sidewalk and passes a man who he hits in the balls.

"Nope, never will be." Wade began narrating.

"Fuck you Wade." The man called out to him.

Wade continued narrating, "I'm just a bad guy who gets paid to fuck up worse guys." He enters a building. "Welcome to Sister Margaret's. It's like a job fair for mercenaries. Think of us like really fucked up tooth fairies, except we knock out the teeth and take the cash. You best hope we never see your name on a gold card."

Wade entered a bar, greeting a few men before walking up to the bartender.

"Wade Wilson. Patron saint of the pitiful. What can I do for you?" Weasel asked.

"I'd love a blowjob." Wade said.

"Oh God, me too." The man replied.

"The drink, moose knuckle. But first..."

Wade took out a gold card and placed it on the bar and Weasel takes it.

"And I ain't getting any babysitting money, alright. Make sure that gets back to Miss, uh..."

"Orlovsky?"

"Her."

"You sure?" Weasel asked him.

"Mmm."

"You know, for a merc, you're pretty warm-blooded. I bet you let the kid off easy, too."

"Oh, he's not a bad kid, he's... Just a little light stalking. I was way worse than him when I was his age. I was travelling to exotic places; Baghdad, Mogadishu, Jacksonville. Meeting new and exciting people."

"And killing them, yeah. I've seen your Instagram. So what was Special Forces doing in Jacksonville?"

"That's classified." Wade says before lowering his voice a little. "They have wonderful T.G.I Friday's."

"Alright, Kalua, Bailey's, and whipped cream." Weasel pushed a drink towards Wade. "I give you: A Blowjob. Ah, why do you make me make that?"

But Wade had gotten the attention of one of the waitresses.

"Kelly, Kelly, Kelly, Kelly. Could you bring that over to Bob, please? And tell him it's from Buck."

"Remind me what good will come from this?" Weasel asked Wade.

"I don't take the shits, I just disturb them."

Suddenly, there's a commotion. One of the mercs punches another in the face. As a fight breaks out, Wade and Weasel clink glasses.

"Cheers, to your health." Wade says.

"Fuck you." Weasel tells him.

One of the mercs picked up a stool.

"That's a new stool." Weasel says.

The man breaks the stool over another mans back and Weasel closes his eyes in annoyance. One of the mercs gets the better of another, and knocks him to the floor.

"Stay the fuck down." The merc said.

Weasel walked over to them. "Alright, move. Move, move, move, move." He holds a mirror up to the man on the ground's face. "Yup. Still breathing."

Many people in the bar groan.

"Nobody wins today." Weasel then talked to Wade, "Nice try, Wade."

"You got me. I picked Booth in the dead pool. Who'd you pick?"

"You know, Wade, uh, um..."

"No... You did not bet on me to die." He looked up at the chalkboard above the bar that shows all the information for the dead pool.

"You bet on me to die. Wow. Mother fucker, you're the world's worst friend. But joke's on you. I'm living to 102, and then dying like the city of Detroit."

"I'm sorry, I just wanted to win money. I never win anything."

"Oh, whatever. Soldiers of fortune, drinks on me!"

Everyone in the bar cheers and holds their glasses up to Wade.

Weasel stood up and raised his voice, "Domestic! Nothing imported."

A young man walked up to Wade. He was tall and gangly but still had defined muscles. His skin was a russet colour and his hair was black and cut short. The boy wore tight clothing and, overall, Wade thought he was hot. Like, hotter than the sun, hot.

"Woah, woah, woah, woah, baby. You sure you wanna shoot your whole wad?"

"Uh..." Wade was lost for words as he looked the younger man up and down. "Tight!"

"Seth."

"Wade. What's a nice place like you doing in a boy like this?"

One of the other mercs walks past and slaps his ass. "I'd hit that."

Wade grabs a hold of the merc and turns him around, saying, "You'd better apologize, before..."

Seth tightly grabbed the merc's balls. Wade was a little shocked to see his eyes turn gold.

"...Yeah. That."

"Say the magic words, fat Gandalf."

"I'm sorry." The merc wheezed out.

"Breath through the nose." Wade suggested.

"I don't have a filter between my brain and my-"

Seth grabbed his balls even harder.

"Hey, woah, hakuna his tatas! He's sorry. Get out of here, go. Go cast a spell."

Seth let the man go and he hurried off. Wade puts a hand on Seth.

"Hey, hands off the merchandise."

"Merchandise, oh. So you uh... warm fuzzys for money?"

"Yep." Seth said, looking into his eyes. Wade felt something draw him to the younger boy in front of him but he ignored it for now.

"Rough childhood?" Wade asked.

"Rougher than yours. Mommy left before I was born."

"Mommy left before I was conceived."

"Ever had a cigarette put out on your skin?"

"Where else do you put one out?"

"I was molested."

"Me too. Uncle."

"Uncles. They took turns."

"I watched my own birthday party through the keyhole of a locked closet, which also happened to be-"

"Your bedroom. Lucky. I slept in a dishwasher box."

Wade gasped.

"You had a dishwasher! I didn't even go to sleep. It was pretty much 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn."

Seth laughs and Wade felt pleased for some reason.

"Who would do such a thing?" Somehow, they had moved closer so there was only one or two inches between their faces.

"Hopefully you. Later tonight. Hey, what... What can I get for, uh... $275 and a yogurt lite rewards card.?" Wade asked Seth after looking through his wallet.

"Maybe about forty-eight minutes of whatever the fuck you want." He put the yogurt card in Wade's mouth and walks away. Wade follows him.

"Did he just put a gift card in your mouth?" Weasel asked. He had been watching them from behind the bar the entire time.

* * *

It looked like Wade was on top of Seth.

"It's time to put balls in holes. You said whatever I want."

"I get it." Seth says.

It turned out they were in front of a skeeball machine.

"You love skeeball." Seth said. "Apparently more than you love sex."

"It's a tough call. I just want to get to know the real you. Not the short, two-dimensional sex object peddled by Hollywood." Wade said watching Seth.

"Balls in holes."

"Balls in holes. Prepare to lose tragically."

"Bring it, big man."

"Okay."

Instead of rolling the ball, Wade threw it into a hole labelled '100'.

"Ruh-roh." Seth impersonated Scooby Doo.

"Ruh-roh." Wade agreed.

A while later they gathered their tickets and walked to the Arcade counter. Wade had way to many tickets to be legal and Seth had a few rows of tickets.

"A limited edition, Voltron: Defender of the Universe ring, por favor. I've had my eye on this sucker for a while." Wade first addresses the man at the counter, and then Seth.

"And I will take a pencil eraser." Seth requested.

"Okay." The arcade employee said. "You are now the proud protector of the planet. And you, can erase stuff, written in pencil." He first gave Wade the ring and then Seth got his pencil eraser.

"M'lady?" Wade asked, earning an eye roll from Seth, and then took his arm and lead the two of them away.

"Well, I hate to break it to you, but your forty-eight minutes are up." Seth said, and Wade knew he had to stop him from going. That sounded weird...

"Hey, how many more minutes could I get for this? FYI, five mini-lion bots come together to form one super-lion bot."

"Five mini-lion bots?" He sounded excited and Wade counted it as a win. "Three minutes."

"What do we do with the remaining two minutes, thirty seven seconds?"

"Cuddle?" Seth suggested shrugged.

* * *

Seth was pushed against a wall with Wade pushed against him. Wade was thrusting in and out of Seth.

"How long can you keep this up?" Seth panted, a little breathlessly.

"All year?" Wade questioned.

* * *

They were having sex on a bed covered in red rose petals.

"Happy Valentine's Day." Seth said.

* * *

They were having sex in a room lit by red lanterns.

"Happy Chinese New Year." Wade said.

"Year of the Dog." Seth said and they grinned (Seth had told Wade about his dog problem).

* * *

Wade looked stressed on the bed.

"Relax," Seth told him. "And Happy International Woman's Day."

"Ah! Nope, nope, nope." Wade said. Seth giggled.

* * *

The couple was sitting in chairs and reading.

"Happy Lent." Wade told Seth.

* * *

Wade was sucking Seth off.

"Ow! Wade!" Seth said.

Wade stuck his head up, showing Seth his fake vampire teeth.

"Happy Halloween." It came out muffled.

He took the teeth out.

"Happy Halloween." He repeated to Seth. Seth laughed.

* * *

They were having sex on a table full of food. Seth shoved some mashed potatoes into Wade's mouth.

"Happy Thanksgiving." Seth told him.

"I love you." Wade replied sincerely.

* * *

Seth was sitting on the bed and Wade approaches him.

"If your left leg is Thanksgiving and your right leg is Christmas, can I visit you between the holidays?" Wade asked him.

He pulled the sheets off of Seth to find him wearing an ugly Christmas sweater.

"Ugh, that sweater is terrible! But, it looks good on you." He admits.

"Red's your colour," Seth told him. "Brings out the bloodshot in your eyes."

"Listen, I've been thinking." He starts.

"Really?"

"About why we're so good together."

"And why's that?"

"Well, your crazy matches my crazy. And we're like jigsaw pieces, you know? Um... Weird, curvy edges."

"Put them together and you can see the picture on top. Wade, there's something I've been meaning to ask you, but only because you haven't gotten around to asking me. Will you, um... Stick it in my-"

"Marry me?" Wade holds up a ring-pop.

"Uhh... Jinx? Where were you hiding that?"

Wade discreetly covers his ass with one hand.

"Nowhere. I spent one month's salary, so..."

"You mean it?" Seth sounded a little hopeful but Wade didn't catch on that easily.

"I do."

"That's my line." Seth told Wade before kissing him.

"I love you Wade Wilson."

"So that's a... You're s'posed to-"

"Yes!" Seth exclaims, cutting Wade off.

"Yes! Ha, ha, ha! I feel just like a little girl!"

They spoon in bed.

"What if I just held on and never let go?" Wade asked his fiancé.

"Ride a bitch's back like Yoda on Luke?"

"Oh, Star Wars jokes..."

"Empire." Seth corrected Wade.

"Jesus Christ, it's like I made you in a computer."

They kiss and Wade picks up a camera, taking a picture of the two of them.

"Hey. Perfect. Pee break. Shake it, yeah."

Seth shook the picture to dry it off and Wade got up to pee.

Wade started narrating again, "Here's the thing. Life is an endless series of train wrecks with only brief commercial like breaks of happiness. This had been the ultimate commercial break."

He finished peeing and walked over to the bed, taking his shirt off as he did so.

He continued narrating, "Which meant it was time to return to our regularly scheduled program."

Before he made it to the bed, Wade fell to the floor and passed out.

"Oh, my God! Wade!" Seth exclaimed, rushing over to his imprint.

* * *

There was an X-Ray showing Wade's body, there are a few pinkish blobs. Wade and Seth were sitting in a doctor's office.

"You're clowning. You're not clowning. I sense clowns." Wade told the doctor.

"People react to news of late-stage cancer differently. There are certainly options we can look into. Drugs are being developed every day."

Wade and Seth looked at each other.

"So what do we do?" Seth began. "Surely there must be something we can do. My uncle Ivan was diagnosed with thyroid cancer and all these new experimental drugs..."

His voice faded out while Wade looks at him.

Wade started narrating once more, "Seth's already working on Plan A, B, all the way through Z. Me? I'm memorizing the details of his face. Like it's the first time I'm seeing it. Or the last."

"Mr Wilson. Mr Wilson? Take your time to process this. It's important not to do anything rash." The doctor told Wade.


	3. Chapter 3

**A.N. Chapter 3! YAY!**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own ANYTHING.**

* * *

Back on the bridge Deadpool finished skewering the man with his katanas and cuts him in half. Putting his swords away, he looks around.

"Now, if I were a two-hundred pound sack of assholes named Francis, where would I hide? Oh."

A motorcycle starts and he turns around. The motorcycle speeds past him, shooting. Deadpool jumps into the air, sending one of his swords flying towards the front wheel of the motorcycle, causing it to flip in the air and crash. Throwing the rider off. Deadpool walks over to him.

"A hush falls over the crowd," He begins with. "Rookie sensation Wade W. Wilson out of Regina, Saskatchewan lines up the shot. His form looks good." Deadpool kicked the biker in the chest and sent him back down to the ground. "And that's why Regina rhymes with fun. Ladies and gentlemen, what you're witnessing is sweet, dick-kicking revenge." He continued to bet up the biker without mercy. "Oh! Give him the business." He threw the biker to the side of the bridge. "Incoming!" He kicked the biker's helmet off, revealing it to be Francis. "this is taking unsportsmanlike conduct to a whole new level!"

He stabs his sword into Francis' shoulder, pinning him to the bridge. "Looking good, Francis. Well rested. Like you've been pitching, not catching. Ringing any bells? No?" He lifts his mask up. "How about now?"

"Huh. Wade fucking Wilson. Well, hello gorgeous." Francis says to Deadpool.

"Yeah, like a got bit by a radioactive Sharpei. Yeah, and who's fault is that, Francis? Time to undo what you did to this butterface."

"You should thank me. Apparently, I made you immortal. I'm actually quite jealous."

"Yeah, but this ain't a life worth living, is it? Now, I'm about to do to you what Limp Bizkit did to music in the '90's."

Colossus walks up behind Deadpool and Deadpool lifts his hand, ready to hit Francis but hitting Colossus' crotch. He feels around for a second.

"Dad?" Deadpool asks.

Colossus grabbed Deadpool and threw him into a car.

"I think we can all agree that shit just went sideways in the most colossal way." Deadpool narrated.

* * *

It showed a cut of Deadpool from the Wolverine Origins movie.

"Well, maybe not _the_ most." Deadpool continued narrating.

* * *

It showed a scene from Wade's past to show Seth and Wade in their apartment.

"Now this is my most prized possession." Wade said picking up an album by Wham!

"Wham?" Seth questioned.

"No, no, no, no. Wham! Make It Big is the album that George and Andy earned the exclamation point."

"So, am I supposed to just smile and wave you out the door?" Seth asked Wade unbelievably.

"Think of it like spring cleaning. Only, if spring was death. God, if I had a nickel for every time I spanked it to Bernadette Peters."

He picked up a coin bag with Bernadette Peters on it. Seth picked it up and shook it.

"Sounds like you do. Bernadette is not going anywhere, because you are not going anywhere. Drink!" He handed Wade a glass.

"You're right. Cancer's only in my liver, lungs, prostate and brain. All things I can live without."

"You belong here at home. Surrounded by your Ultron, and your Bernadette, and your me." Seth pleads with Wade.

"Listen, we both know that cancer is a shitshow. Like, Yakoff Smirnoff opening for the Spin Doctors at the Iowa State Fair, shitshow. And under no circumstances will I be taking you to that shitshow. I want you to remember me. Not the ghost of Christmas me."

"Well, I want to remember us!"

"I swear to God, I'm going to find you in the next life, and I'm gonna boombox Careless Whisper outside your window. Wham!" Wade promises Seth.

"No one is boomboxing shit, okay?" He sits down next to Wade.

"We can fight this. Besides, I just realized something. You win. Your life is officially way more fucked up than mine. And I can turn into a wolf!"

"I love you." Wade tells the boy next to him before they start to make out.

* * *

Wade walks into the bar.

"Wade." Weasel greeted him.

Wade sat down at the bar. "Wease."

"You look like you need a blowjob and a shower. Courtesy calls for the latter first."

"Yeah, how about three shots of Patron?"

"Yeah, how about Triticum aestivum? Wheat grass. Great for the immune system." Weasel tells his friend, giving him a drink.

"Jesus Christ, you sound like Seth. Here, check it out. He's ending away for all these colourful clinic brochures." He pulled out several brochures. "I'm sure they're all FDA approved. Chechnya. Isn't that where you go to _get_ cancer? We've got China, and Central Mexico. You know how they say cancer in Spanish?"

"How?"

"El cancer."

"Oh. I could have guessed that. Look how happy you look here?" Weasel shows Wade the photo he took of him and Seth. "Mind if I keep this? Put it up, so I can remember? When you looked alive. At least now I'm gonna win the dead pool, now that you're gonna die tragically of cancer."

"Thanks."

"Oh, and that guy over there came in looking for you." He handed Wade a card with a phone number on it.

"Real grim reaper type. I dunno. Might further the plot." Wade walked over to the man and sat down.

"Ah! Mr Wilson." The man greeted him.

"How can I help you? Besides luring children into a panel van." Wade said.

"I understand you've been diagnosed with terminal cancer."

"Stalker alert!"

"My job. Recruitment. I'm sorry you've had such a tough go. But you're a fighter. Special forces, forty-one confirmed kills."

"One every seven weeks. At that rate, most folks get a haircut." He takes a sip of his drink. "It's to wash the taste out." Wade explained. "Of being so... impressive."

"And now you spend your days looking out for the little people."

"People change. What do you want?"

"I represent an organization of people that may be able to help. What if I told you we can cure your cancer? And what's more, give you abilities most men only dream of."

"I'd say you sound like an infomercial. But not a good one, like Slapchop, more Shakeweighty." Wade made a shakeweighty gesture.

"The world needs extraordinary soldiers. We won't just make you better. We will make you better than better. A superhero."

"Look, Agent Smith. I tried the superhero business and it left a marl. But if I ever hit, 'Fuck it', I'll hit you up. Oh, uh, shit. We're within 500 yards of a school, so you may wanna... You know. Yeah." Wade got up and left, going back to the bar.

"His drinks on him." He tells Weasel.

* * *

Wade was sitting in a chair in the apartment.

"Hey, what's going on?" Seth asked him.

"Hey, sorry. I had a Liam Neeson nightmare. I dreamt I kidnapped his daughter and he wasn't having it." He got into bed beside Seth. "Hey, uh, they made three of those movies. At some point you have to wonder if he's just a bad parent."

Wade was packing up his things into a bag.

"The worst part about cancer isn't what it does to you. But what it does to the people you love. Who knew if this guy could save my life. But I knew there was only one way I could save his." Wade started narrating.

Wade left the apartment.

"Isn't that what superheroes do?" Wade continued narrating.

Wade called the man.

* * *

Deadpool is frozen mid-air from when Colossus threw him.

"Okay, let's pro-con this superhero thing. Pro: they pull down a gaggle of ass. Dry-cleaning discounts, lucrative film deals both origin stories and larger ensemble team movies. Con: they're all lame-ass teacher's pets.

"You know I can hear you." Colossus called over to Deadpool.

"I'm not talking to you. I was talking to them." He points to the camera.

"Stay right here." Colossus said to Francis before calling out to Deadpool. "You've been warned before, Deadpool. This is a shameful and reckless use of your powers. You will both be coming with us."

"Look, Colossus! I don't have time for the goody-two-shoes bullshit right now! And... you are?" Deadpool asked the young girl next to Colossus.

"Negasonic Teenage Warhead."

"Negasonic Teenage... What the shit? That's the coolest name ever! So what, you're like his sidekick?"

"No, trainee." Colossus corrected Deadpool.

"Let me guess. X-Men left you behind on, what, shit detail?"

"What does that make you?"

"Pretending you're not here Negasonic Teenage Warhead. Trade names?" He punches Francis.

"Can we go?" Negasonic asked Colossus.

"Look! I'm a teenage girl! I'd rather be anywhere than here. I'm all about long sullen silences, followed by mean comments, followed by more silences. So what's it gonna be, huh? Long sullen silence, or mean comment? Go on."

Negasonic was quiet for a while before saying, "You've got me in a box here."

"Ah-hah!"

"We can't allow this Deadpool. Please, come quietly."

"You big, chrome, cock-gobbler!"

"That's not nice." Colossus said.

"You're really gonna fuck this up for me? Trust me. That wheezing bag of dick tips has it coming! He's pure evil! Beside, nobody's getting hurt!"

The body that splattered on the highway sign fell off of it. The three of them turned to look at it.

"That guy was already up there when I got here."

"Wade, you're better than this! Join us! Use your powers for good."

Deadpool tossed a metal disk at Francis, hitting him in the face.

"Heads up!" He said.

"Be a superhero!" Colossus exclaimed.

"Listen, the day I decide to become a crime-fighting shit-swizzler, who rooms with a bunch of other little whiners, at the Neverland mansion of some creepy, old, bald, Heaven's Gate-looking mother fucker, on that day... I'll send your shiny happy ass a friend request. But until then, I'm gonna do what I came here to do. Either that, or slap the bitch out of you."

"Wade..." Colossus starts.

"Hey!" Negasonic piped up.

"Zip it, Sinead!"

"Hey, douchepool!" She called.

"And I hope your watching!" Deadpool turned to Francis but found him gone. He gasped.

"Quite unfortunate." Colossus stated.

Deadpool looked back and forth from where Colossus is and where Francis was.

"That does it!" He yelled, enraged.

He jumped up and hit Colossus' head, breaking his hand.

"Oh, Canada! That's not good." He stated.

"Wade, please." Colossus asks the spandex clad merc.

"Cock shot!"

With his good hand, he punched Colossus in the crotch. The only result was breaking his only good hand.

"Oh, you're poor wife!" He whined.

"You really should stop." Colossus advised.

Deadpool held his broken hands in front of him, looking at how they flopped lifelessly.

"All the dinosaurs feared the T-Rex." He states.

He flipped into the air, kicking Colossus' head and breaking his foot. Negasonic laughed at him.

"Ah! I promise this gets worse for you, big boy!"

"This is embarrassing. Please, stay down."

"You ever hear of the one-legged man in the ass-kicking contest?"

Deadpool got up and hops on one leg, holding his three other broken limbs up.

"Do you have off switch?" Colossus inquired.

"Yeah, it's right next to the prostate. Or is that the on switch?"

"Enough!" Colossus raised his voice a little.

Colossus hit Deadpool into a car and Negasonic laughed. Deadpool groaned in pain as Colossus walked over to where he lay, and handcuffed one of Deadpool's hands to his own.

"Let us go talk to the professor."

"McAvoy or Stewart? These timelines are so confusing. Dead or alive you're coming with me!"

"You will recover, Wade. You always do."

Deadpool snaps his free hand back into place and picked up a knife.

He addressed the camera, "You ever seen 127 Hours? Spoiler alert."

Deadpool began cutting his own hand off, escaping the handcuffs.

"Oh, my God. Nasty." Negasonic groaned.

A spurt of blood hit Colossus in the face.

"Oh, there's the money shot, baby! Are you there, God? It's me, Margaret."

Deadpool flipped off of the bridge and landed in the truck passing underneath. His hand, still in the handcuffs, is flipping off Colossus.

Deadpool began narrating, "Rock, meet Bottom. When life ends up breathtakingly fucked, you can generally trace it back to one big, bad decision."


	4. Chapter 4

**A.N. Chapter number 4 in one day!**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own anything and I do not make any money by writing this.**

* * *

Before:

Wade was shown to be on a stretcher in a dimly lit facility, obviously way before he got into the taxi with Dopinder.

Wade started narrating, "The one that sent you down the road to shittsburgh. This, well, this was mine."

"Mr Wilson." The man he met in the bar said. "Nothing warms my heart more than a change of someone else's. You finally hit, 'Fuck it'."

"Just promise you'll do right by me. So I can do right by someone else." Wade told him.

"Of course," The man said condensing.

"And please don't make the super suit green. Or animated!" Wade requested.

Wade is brought into a large room with a lot of people milling around. One woman has spikes on her back and another is bleeding and panting.

"This place seems sanitary. My first request is warmer hands." He says as some men lift him up and strap him down on a chair. "And, Jesus, a warmer table! You should really come up with a safe word fellas. I'm thinking pork and beans."

A woman comes in and pushes his head down, strapping him in.

"Aren't you a little strong for a lady? I'm calling wang. What's up with the matches? Oral fixation? Or just a big Stallone fan?" He asks her but she puts a hand over his mouth.

"Patience, Angel." Francis says, walking in and she removes her hand. "All in good time."

"Are you here for the turn down service or what?" Wade asked the newcomer.

"We have another talker."

"I'm just excited about my first day at super hero camp."

"Shut the fuck up." Angel told him.

She put a rag over his mouth as Francis inspects him.

"Mr Wilson, my name's Ajax. I manage this workshop. My welcome speech used to be filled with euphemisms like, 'This may hurt a little'. 'This may cause you some discomfort'. But I've grown blunt. This workshop is not a government led program. It's a private institution that turns reclamation projects like yourself into men of extraordinary abilities. But if you think super human powers are acquired painlessly, well... I'm injecting you with a serum that activates any mutant genes lurking in your DNA. For it to work we need to subject you to extreme stress."

Francis puts an IV into Wade's arm and turns on a machine. A dark blue liquid began to flow through it.

"You've heard the whole, make an omelette break some eggs thing, right? I'm about to hurt you, Wade. I was a patient here once myself, you know. The treatment affects everyone differently. It made Angel inhumanly strong. In my case, it enhanced my reflexes, and scorched my nerve ending so I no longer feel pain. And in fact, I no longer feel anything."

Wade started mumbling so Angel removed the gag.

"Thank you! Thank you. You have something in your teeth. Just in the middle there. Romaine lettuce, or something. It's been bothering me for a long time."

Francis checks his teeth but sees nothing in them.

"Ha! Made you look. Hey, is Ajax your actual name? Because it sounds suspiciously made up. What is it really? Kevin? Ruth? Scott? Mitch? Dexter? Is it Basil Fawity?" Wade pried.

"Joke away," Francis warned Wade. "The one thing that never survives this place is a sense of humour."

"We'll see about that."

"I suppose we will. He's all yours." And with that, Francis left.

"Oh, come on. You're going to leave me all alone here with less angry Rosie O'Donnell?"

She punches him and a montage of experiments on Wade begins, with Francis narrating.

"This is how it's going to work. Adrenaline acts as a catalyst for the serum, so we're going to have to make you suffer. If you're lucky, your mutant genes will activate and manifest in a spectacular fashion. If not, well, we'll have to keep hurting you. In new and more painful ways, each more different than the last. Until you finally mutate. Or die." Francis finishes narrating.

* * *

"Got a bucket list? I'd really like to light a spliff off of the Olympic Torch." Wade tells another patient lying on the 'bed' next to him.

"Pass it to me right after." The man tells Wade.

"Let's not forget naked tandem base jumping with the WNBA Sacramento Monarchs."

"Anything on my bucket list would involve public nudity."

"Giving Meredith Baxter Birney a dutch oven."

"No, receiving a dutch oven from Meredith Baxter Birney. Making banana pancakes for my kids."

"Seth. I wanna see Seth."

"Lovely. I don't know about anyone else, but I'm touched." Francis announced his presence as he walked into the room.

"We're just joking." The man next to Wade said.

"No, no. It's okay. I encourage distractions. Wouldn't want you giving up on us, now would we?" Francis said.

"Hey, don't take any shit from him, Cunningham. How tough can he be, with a name like Francis?" Wade inquires.

"Francis?" Cunningham repeats.

"That's his legal name. He got Ajax from the dish soap. F. R. A. N. C. I, oops! I snabbed the dry-cleaning tag off your lab coat. FYI, I could probably get you the super hero discount." Wade told Francis.

"You are so relentlessly annoying." Francis informed Wade.

"Thanks. Never heard that before."

"Why don't you do us all a favour and shut the fuck up? Or I'll sew your pretty mouth shut."

"Oh, I wouldn't do that if I were you. See, here's the problem with round-the-clock torture. You can't really step it up from there."

"Is that what you think?" Francis asked Wade.

* * *

Wade was strapped down in a machine.

"If this doesn't activate your mutation, well... nothing will." Francis told Wade. "Now, what we're gonna do is lower the oxygen concentration in there to the exact point you feel like you're suffocating. If your brain waves slow, meaning your about to pass out, then we'll turn up the O2. If your heart rate slows, meaning your able to catch your breath, we'll turn it back down. And that's where we'll leave you. Right there."

"Ugh, I though you guys were dicks before." Wade complained.

"You know the funniest part of all this? You still think we're making you a super hero. You, a dishonourable discharge hook deep in hookers? You're nothing? Our secret, mate, is that this workshop doesn't make super heroes. We make super slaves. We're gonna fit you with a control collar and auction you off to the highest bidder. Who knows what they'll have you do. Terrorizing citizens, putting down freedom fighters. Maybe just mow the occasional lawn."

"What the fuck is wrong with young?" Wade asked Francis.

"You're never going home after this. Now there's a brave face."

"Wait, wait! Seriously, you have something in your teeth now."

"Enjoy your weekend."

"Weekend? Back up, weekend?"

Francis starts the machine. Wade begins to choke.

* * *

During the night his whole body begins to transform.

"Did I say this was a love story? No, it's a horror movie." Wade narrated.

He began to scream.

* * *

Francis comes back in the day and turns off the machine.

"Fucking hell. Looks like someone lost his shot at homecoming king." Francis informed him.

"What have you done to me?" Wade grunted.

"I've merely raised your stress levels high enough to trigger a mutation."

"You sadistic fuck!"

"I've cured you, Wade. Now your mutated cells can heal anything. It's attacking your cancer as fast as it can form. You know, I've seen some of the side effects before. I could cure them." Here, he pauses as Wade eyes him carefully. "But where's the fun in that? Now I'm going to shut you in again Wade. Not because I need to. Because I want to. Ah, well. Go ahead."

Angel fiddles with the straps.

"You smell like shit." She oh-so-helpfully informs Wade.

Wade head butts her.

"Mother fucker-"

"Hey, hey, hey! It's alright! It's alright. I think you owe him that, yeah? Take off. Go on, off you go. Quick question. What's my name?" Wade just stares at him. "Didn't think so."

He closes the lid of the machine an turns it on.

"Sorry, Francis, my lips are sealed." Wade narrates.

In the machine, Wade opens his mouth to show the match he took from Angel. He lights it with his nails and throws it into the oxygen vent, after a few moment, the match explodes. It causes massive damage to the facility and starts a hug, out-of-control fire. Francis come down with a fire extinguisher. He sees that Wade escaped from the machine, just before Wade charges at him with a metal pipe in hand and they both begin fighting.

"You don't wanna kill me! I'm the only one that can fix your barking mug!" Francis tells Wade.

They continue fighting but Francis gets the upper hand and skewers Wade with a metal pipe, bending it to prevent him from getting up.

"What's my name?" He asks Wade before leaving.

"Wade..." Wade looks up to see Cunningham.

* * *

After the fire has died out, Wade rises out of the dirt and rubble.

Wade begins narrating... again... "I didn't just get the cure to el cancer. I got the cancer to el everything. But there was only one thing that really mattered."

Seth is walking down the street. Wade follows him. A lot of people give him strange looks and calling him 'freak' and other words. He watches Seth purchase something from the market and follows him to Seth's apartment. He watches his lover enter but Wade walks away.

* * *

"No way, I'm not making his life as ugly as mine, man." Wade was talking to Weasel in the bar.

"Oh, come on, Wade. It can't be that bad." Weasel tries to assure his friend.

"Ah, bullshit! I'm a monster inside and out. I belong in a fucking circus!"

"Wade, Seth loves you. He doesn't care what you- Oh. Oh."

Wade had shown Weasel his face.

"Do you like what you see?"

"No. You look like an avocado had sex with an older, more disgusting avocado."

"Yeah."

"And not gently. Like, it was hate fucking. There was something wrong with the relationship, and that was the only catharsis they could find without violence."

"And the only guy who can fix this fugly mug is the brown shitstick from the mutant factory, and he's gone. Poof!" Wade mimics an explosion.

"Yeah, you've got to do something to remedy this, cause as of now you only have one course of action."

"Damn straight. Find Francis-"

"Star in your horror films."

"What?" Wade asks.

"Star in your own horror films. Cause you look like Freddy Krueger face fucked a topographical map of Utah."

"Here's what I'm actually going to do. I'm going to work through his crew until somebody gives up Francis, force him to fix this, put a bullet in his skull, and fuck the brain hole."

"I don't want to see that or think of it again. But the douchebag does think you're dead, right?"

"Yeah." Wade confirmed.

"That's good. You should keep it that way."

"What, like, wear a mask?"

"Yes, a very thick mask, all the time. I am sorry, you are... haunting. Your face is the stuff of nightmares."

"Like a testicle with teeth."

"You will die alone. I mean, if you could die. Ideally. For others' sake." Weasel told hid friend.

"That'll do."

"All you need now is a suit and a nickname, like Wade the Wisecracker, or Scaredevil, Mr Neverdie... Oh shit." Weasel sighed.

"What?"

"I put all my money on you, and I just realized I'm never going to win the-"

"Deadpool. Captain Deadpool. No, just Deadpool. Yeah."

"Yeah. To you, Mr Pool. That sounds like a fucking franchise.

They clink glasses.

* * *

Deadpool was making his costume.

Turning to the camera, he says, "This shit's gonna have nuts in it."

* * *

He attacks some guys, shouting, 'Where's Francis?'. Back at his apartment he realizes his clothing is covered in blood.

* * *

At a laundry mat, Wade is trying to get the blood out of his clothes. A blind old lady addresses him, "Seltzer water and lemon for blood. Or wear red. Dumbass."

Taking her words to heart, he creates a red suit.

* * *

Going to a boxing match, he interrupts the fight in favour of attacking another man.

"Don't make me ask twice. Where's Francis?"

* * *

In his apartment he is stabbing the picture of the man he attacked in the ring.

"He made me ask twice. Is the mask muffling my voice?"

* * *

He creates yet another red costume.

* * *

Deadpool attacks a group of guys, asking them all where Francis is.

* * *

In an ice rink, a man is bleeding and crawling on the ice.

Deadpool laughs at him saying, "You're about to be killed by a Zamboni!"

* * *

In the montage of Deadpool killing the group of people, he is also shouting various insults at people. Finally, Deadpool only has one person to track down, the guy who recruited him.

* * *

The man who recruited Deadpool was recruiting another sick man. He gives the man a car and leaves with two guards. Deadpool confronts them, whistling.

"Nice to see you, Jared. I'll take the footlong. Fully loaded." Deadpool told him.

The man runs away and Deadpool catches up to him after killing the two guards.

"41 confirmed kills. Now its 89. About to be 90." Deadpool tells the man after pinning him against a car.

"Mr Wilson?" The man asks.

"Ding ding!"

"You're looking very...alive." He sounded a little unsure of himself.

"Ha! Only on the outside."

"This isn't going to end well for me."

"This is not going to end well for you, no. Where's your boss?"

"I can tell you exactly-"

"Ah, da, da, da, da, da, da, da. Oh, you'll tell me. But first, you might want to look away for this." He addresses the audience for the last part, pushing the camera away.

"Now this little piggy went to..."

"Ah!" The man screamed in agony.

* * *

Back at Deadpool's apartment, he sticks a knife in the picture of the recruiter.

"Thank you, Agent Smith."

Deadpool was leaving his apartment in his costume. He hails a cab and gets in, Dopinder is inside.

"Hop in!" Dopinder tells Deadpool.

Deadpool gets in before addressing the camera.

"And we all know how this turned out."

It fast-forwarded through the cab trip, the bridge scene. Deadpool is holding a pink unicorn and masturbating.

"Whoops! You weren't meant to see that."

"It rewinds to showing him escaping Colossus and ending up in the truck.

"There. All caught up."


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer: I do not own anything.**

* * *

Outside of Deadpool's apartment, he clambers out of the garbage truck.

"Sorry about bleeding in all your garbage!" Deadpool called out to the drivers as he hobbled away. "Seltzer water and lemon for blood. Whoo! Some kinds of anger can't be managed. Like the kind where your year-long plan ends with the wrong guy getting dismembered! That said when it comes time for licking wounds, there's no place like home. And I share that home with someone you've met. The blind old lady from the laundry mat, Al." At the end of his rant, he ends up addressing the audience and a flashback is shown back at the laundry mat after Al tells Wade about seltzer water and lemon for blood.

* * *

"God, I miss cocaine." Al says to herself.

"Her." Wade says within the fourth wall break. "Ah! Fourth wall break in a fourth wall break. That's like... sixteen walls!"

* * *

It shows Wade going into the apartment, talking to the audience.

"She's like Robin to my Batman, except she's old. And black. And blind. And I think she's in love with me. Wait, I'm pretty sure Robin loves Batman too."

He knocks on the door. Al gets up to answer it, but trips and falls..

"Al?" Deadpool asks from outside the door.

He opens the door.

"Good morning, sleepy head! It smells like old lady pants in here."

"Yes, I'm old, I wear pants."

"But you're no lady."

Deadpool takes off his shoes and puts on crocs.

"Oh! So comfy." He says.

"Upside of being blind, I've never seen you in crocs."

"You mean my big rubber masturbatin' shoes?"

"Yes, I know. Downside of being blind. I hear everything in this duplex."

"Sit on a stick."

"Bactine?"

"Yeah. Bactine should do it."

He lifts up his hand, which is slowly growing back. Al is assembling furniture.

"How's that Cunen coming along? IKEA doesn't assemble itself, you know." Wade tells the older woman.

"You're telling me. I don't mind the Cunen. It's an improvement on the Hodall."

"Please. Anything's an improvement over the Hodall. I'd have taken an Emness or Tristes over the Hodall. No, I didn't get excited until I saw the Cunen."

"Screw please."

"Here? Now? Just kidding, I know it's been decades." He told her.

"You'd be surprised."

"Pretty grossed out."

"Ta da." She finished the furniture and sat down. After a moment, it completely fell apart. "I wish I'd never heard of Craigslist."

"And I quote, 'Looking for blind and likes imperfections, must be good with hands.' Or would you rather I build the IKEA and you pay rent." Wade suggested.

"Why so douchy this morning?"

"Let's recap. The cock-thistle that turned me into this freak slipped through my arms today." He looked down at his tiny hand. "Arm. Catching him my only chance to be hot again, get my super sexy ex back, and prevent this shit from happening to someone else. So yeah, today was about as much fun as a sandpaper dildo."

Wade grabbed some lube and a pink plush unicorn. As he walked past Al to his room, he loudly farts.

"Hashtag drive by." He says.

* * *

In a warehouse, Angel is getting several super slaves ready. Francis pulls up outside and walks into the warehouse.

"Found out who our friend in the red suit is." He tells Angel when he goes in.

* * *

Angel was repairing his clothes.

"Fucking Wade Wilson. Of course, I'd wear a mask too with a face like that. I only wish I'd heal the same. Still. We'll put him out of our misery. On our terms."

"Right. And when he heals?" Angel asks him.

"He can't. Not if there's nothing left of him to heal. You know, it's funny. I almost missed the fucker. I like a challenge. But he's bad for business. Now let's go and find him."

* * *

At Deadpool's apartment, Wade is sitting on a couch. Al comes over with a drink.

"Tylenol PM?" She asks him.

"I'd stick that where you stuck the Bactine. I raided my stash of wisdom teeth Percocet and I am orbiting fucking Saturn right now." He strokes her chin with his hand, which looks like a baby hand. "I appreciate the gesture."

"Am I crazy, or is your hand really small?"

"It's about the size of a KFC spork."

"I get why you're so pissy. But your mood's never going to right until you find this boy and tell him how you feel!"

"I keep telling you, Mrs Magoo, he wouldn't have me! If you could see me, you'd understand."

"Looks aren't everything."

"Looks are everything! You ever heard David Beckham speak? It's like he mouth-sexed a can of helium! You think Ryan Reynolds got this far on his superior acting method?"

"Love is blind, Wade."

"No. You're blind."

"So you're just gonna lie there and whimper?"

"No, I'm gonna wait till this arm plows through puberty, and then I'm gonna come up with a whole new Christmas Day plan. In the meantime, you might wanna leave the room. I bet it feels huge in this hand. Go, go, go, go, go, go." He tells her, after she sighs and leaves the room.

* * *

At the bar, Weasel is telling a joke to some men.

"So the doctor says, 'Well the bad news is, you don't have that much time to live?' He says, 'How long do I have?' The doctor says, 'Five.' The guy says, 'Five what?' The doctor says, 'Five, four, three, two...'"

He and the men laugh. Weasel notices Francis, Angel and some of their men have come into the bar.

"Can I help you ladies?"

"Well, I sure hope so. I heard you might be able to point me in the direction of a, um... A friend of mine. Name of Wade Wilson." Francis responds to Weasel.

"Sorry. I don't know the name."

Angel reaches and grabs something on the back wall.

"Hey, you're not supposed to be behind the bar."

"I recognize that boy." Angel told Francis.

"This must be Seth. I've heard so much about you."

Angel grabs Weasel and holds him up against the wall. Everyone in the bar pulls out a gun and points it at her.

"Um, sweetheart, you might want to look around. This isn't really the place to do something like that." Weasel tells her.

"Easy, Angel. Put the little man down." Francis tells her and she puts Weasel down. "We have everything we need now."

"You sure? You don't want any clothing that aren't monochromatic? Have fun showing at your midnight showing of Blade 2." Weasel tells them as they leave. "Woo. Thanks for having my back, guys." He tells the other guys in the bar. Weasel then calls Deadpool. "Wade, we have a fucking problem. And by we, I mean you."

* * *

Wade and Weasel are walking down a sidewalk.

"I can't believe I'm doing this. Is there a word for half afraid, half angry?" Wade asked Weasel as they walked.

"Yeah, afrangry, I guess." Weasel told him. "Do you know what you're going to say to him?"

"Ugh, fuck me!"

"Uh, I'd maybe not start with that." Weasel advised his friend.

They enter a strip club.

The DJ was talking when they entered. "Hey, coming up on stage right now, give it up for Chastity!"

"Or, as I like to call her, irony." Weasel said.

"We've got to find him fast, before numbnuts does." Wade told him.

"How do you know he's in here?"

"Cause I'm constantly stalking that fox."

Weasel gets distracted by a blonde stripper as Deadpool searches the place before finding Seth.

Wade started to narrate, "Every time I see him, it's like the first time. Especially from this angle."

He approaches Seth, but stops short of getting his attention and instead walked away. Just as he walks away, Seth looks around a little hopefully, as if he sensed Wade's presence.

The DJ continued talking in the background, "You can't buy love, but you can rent it for three minutes."

* * *

Deadpool was washing his face in the graffiti-filled bathroom.

"You weak mother fucker! Come on. Come on, get it together. This isn't about me, this is about Seth. Here we go. Maximum effort."

* * *

Back at the club with Seth, a man calls him over.

"Seth! Someone out back asking for you. Something about an old boyfriend."

Out in the alley, Seth sees someone in the shadows.

"I knew it was you. The weird curvy edges. Like a jigsaw puzzle."

The man walks out of the shadows, but it's not Wade, it's Francis.

"You have Wade Wilson to thank for this." He says.

Instantly, Seth is on guard, growling and coming close to shifting.

He jumps Francis in his wolf form but Angel knocks him off, putting a collar on him that turned him back into an unconscious human.

* * *

Back in the club, Wade approaches Weasel.

"Hey, hey! Where'd he go?"

"I saw him head to the back. Go get him tiger." Weasel tells him.

* * *

Wade entered the alley in search of Seth. He finds his old coin purse on the ground.

"Fuck... Mother fucker!"

* * *

Back at Wade's apartment, Wade is yelling angrily while Weasel tries to calm him down. Wade knocked down a dummy in his rage, beating it up continuously.

"Chocolate! Jiminy! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Oh, I'm going to rip this mother fucking..."

A phone began to ring.

"Find that! Find that, I'm going to get angry!" Wade told Weasel.

Weasel got the phone. "Here, it says Seth. No, wait, it's Francis. He says he wants you to come to him."

"What is that?"

"That's the shit emoji. You know, it's the turd with the smiling face and eyes. I thought it was chocolate yogurt for so long."

"I need guns."

"Okay, which ones?"

"I need all the guns!"

"Alright."

* * *

There is a montage of Wade, Weasel and Al getting guns from all over the house.

"That's about 3000 rounds." Weasel tells Deadpool.

"Well, we all know what I can do with twelve." He responded.

Al suddenly came in, pointing a gun at Deadpool and Weasel.

"Woah, woah, woah." Weasel said.

"Careful with that, Ronnie Milsap. We're downrange." Deadpool told Al.

"I was going to spend the night assembling the Volgie, but this is holding my interest." Al told them.

"I told you, we're going with the Oordvash, not the Bjorsha, get it through your head or get outta fuck town!"

"Shit. That's all the pieces in the house."

"Na, na, na, na, na. Let's go, cough it up. Up, up, up, up, up." He tells her.

She pulls her pant leg up to reveal a gun.

"Ugh, down, down, down." Wade tells her.

"Fuck you." She says.

"Five cal. I like it. Wade. I'd go with you, but, I don't wanna." Weasel tells his friend.

"Listen, Al. If I never see you again, I want you to know that I love you very much. Oh, and also, there's about 116 kilos of cocaine buried somewhere in this apartment, right next to the cure for blindness. Good luck." And with that, Wade walked out.

"Wanna get fucked up?" Weasel asked Al.

* * *

Angel and Francis lead a bound and gagged Seth, complete with collar (and a serum since the collar only worked if Seth was out cold) on a platform.

"Put him down over her." Francis tells Angel.

Angel ties Seth up.

"Go on then." He tells Angel and she removes the gag.

"Thanks, dickless. And I mean you." Seth says to Francis.

"Well. You're a talker too? You and Wade." He says to Seth.

"I've been trying to tell you assholes you've got the wrong guy. My old boyfriend, he's dead."

"See, I thought that too. But he keeps on coming back. Like a cockroach. Ugly. Now, I may not feel, but he does. Let's see how he fights with your head on the block."

* * *

Deadpool runs up to knock on the door of the X-Man mansion but Negasonic opens it up before he can.

"Ripley! From Alien 3!" He tells her.

"Fuck, you're old." She replies.

"Ha! Fake laugh, hiding real pain. Go get silver balls."

"You guys going for a bite? Early bird special?"

"Oh, like there's something wrong with eating before sundown or saving money. No, you know the bad guy that you let go? He's got my boy. You're gonna help me get him back."

"Wade, is that you?" Colossus says.

"It's me, Deadpool, and I got an offer you can't refuse! I'm gonna wait out here okay? Big house. It's funny that we only ever see two of you. It's almost like the studio couldn't afford another X-Man."

* * *

In the taxi, Dopinder is driving with Deadpool beside him. Colossus and Negasonic are in the back of the cab.

"An that is why, in my opinion, the movie cocoon is pure pornography." Deadpool finished.

"Who brought this twinkly man?" Dopinder asked him.

"Twinkly, but deadly. My chrome-penised friend back there has agreed to do me this solid. In exchange, I told him I would consider joining his boy band."

"It's not boy band." Colossus said from the back.

"Sure it's not. Ah! So, any luck winning Gita back?" Deadpool asks Dopinder.

"I tried to Mr Pool, but Bantu is more craftier and handsomer than me."

"Well, I think you're pretty darn cute."

The cab drives over a pothole and a scream can be heard from the trunk.

"Dopinder." Deadpool starts.

"Hmm?"

"What was that?"

"Uh, that was, uh... Bantu, in the trunk."

"Ban-who?" Colossus asks him.

"My romantic rival, Bantu. He's tied up in the trunk. I'm doing like you said, DP. I'm going to gut him like a tenduri fish, then put his carcass on Gita's doorstep."

"I did not tell him to do that! Absolutely not! It got lost in translation! Dopinder, this is no way to win Gita back! (I'm so proud of you). Drop Bantu off, safe and gentle like. (Kill him!). and then win Gita's heart back! The old-fashioned way, with your boyish charm. (Kidnap her)." Deadpool said.

"He's so dead." Negasonic remarks.

* * *

"Oh!" Dopinder says as he parks the taxi. "I presume a crisp high-five?"

"For you? Ten! Okay guys, let's get out there and make a difference! (You know what to do)." Deadpool says. He and Dopinder give each other thumbs up.

"Knock 'em dead, Pool boy!" Dopinder tells him.

"Time to make the chimi fucking changas. Not often a dude ruins your face, wall stomps your sanity, grabs your future baby-daddy, and personally sees to four of your five shittiest moments. Let's just say, it's beginning to look a lot like Christmas."

* * *

The trio approach the platform, with epic music playing in the background.

"Hey, where's your duffel bag?" Negasonic asked Deadpool.

Deadpool turns around and pats himself down.

* * *

In the taxi, Dopinder is getting a call from Deadpool. He tries to answer it, but ends up crashing the taxi. Bantu starts screaming from the trunk.

"Bantu?" Dopinder calls out.


	6. Chapter 6

**Disclaimer: I do not own anything.**

* * *

"Leave a message, and have a happy day!" Was what Deadpool heard when Dopinder didn't answer.

"God damn it! I'm going to do this the old-fashioned way. With two swords and maximum effort. Cue the music." Deadpool said.

The trio start to walk again with epic music in the background. A bunch of men with guns come out and Francis stands on top of the platform.

"Wade Wilson! What's my name?" He called down to the trio.

"Ooh, I'mma fucking spell it out for you." Deadpool says.

"Go get some." Francis says to Angel.

"Superhero landing, she's gonna do a superhero landing, wait for it!" Deadpool tells the others.

Angel did a superhero landing.

"Woo! Superhero landing. You know, that's really hard on your knees. Totally impractical. They all do it. You're a lovely lady, but I'm saving myself for Francis. That's why I brought him." Deadpool turned to Colossus.

"I'd prefer not to hit a woman, so please, pla-" Colossus begins.

Angel hit Colossus, sending him flying.

"I mean... That's why I brought her?" Deadpool turns to Negasonic but she is on her phone, holding up a finger. "Oh, no, finish your tweet. Just give us a second. There you go, hashtag it. Go get her tiger."

Negasonic through her phone behind her before running at Angel in a flaming ball, sending her flying back.

"Oh, I so pity the dude that pressures her into prom sex." Deadpool says.

"Alright then. Fire!" Angel shouts.

The men with guns start shooting at the two mutants. Deadpool and Negasonic hide behind cover. Colossus gets back up and throws a giant tire, hitting some men.

"Finish fucking her the fuck up!" Deadpool calls to him.

"Language please!" Colossus tells the red merc.

"Suck a cock!"

Colossus and Angel start fighting.

"Look away, child. Look away!" Deadpool said to Negasonic. She looks away and Deadpool rips his underwear off then holds it up as a flag of surrender.

"Wait! Wait!" He shouts and the men stop shooting for a moment. "Hey, you only work for that shit spackled muffin fart! So, I'mma give y'all a chance to lay down your firearms, in exchange for preferential, borderline gentle, possibly lover-like treatment." They start shooting again. "Fine! Commando!"

Deadpool runs out and starts fighting a bunch of men.

* * *

Colossus and Angel are still fighting, matching each others' inhuman strength.

* * *

Deadpool was killing a bunch of guys while Negasonic used her powers to crush a few guys.

* * *

It cuts back to show Colossus and Angel still fighting.

* * *

Back with Deadpool, he is still killing people. Suddenly, he stops short of killing this one guy.

"Bob?" He asks.

"Wade?" Bob replies.

"Oh, my God, I haven't seen you since-"

"Jacksonville. TGI Friday's."

"TGI Friday's!" He puts his swords away. "What the hell! Come here you!" He head butts Bob, knocking him out. "How are the kids? Good? And Gale, she still fixing that tuna casserole? So good. Bad for the waistline if you know what I mean." He talks away, grabbing Bob's feet and dragging him away.

* * *

Back with Colossus, he lifts a large object off of Angel. Her boob has fallen out of her low-cut shirt. He awkwardly looks away, covering the breast from the audience's view with his hand.

"You are, uh... Very beautiful woman." He tells her.

"You are so sweet! Thanks." She says.

She takes the opportunity to punch Colossus in the crotch.

* * *

With Deadpool, he has arranged the bodies of the dead men to form the word 'FRANCIS'.

"Does he write you notes too? He's such a romantic." Francis tells Seth, who is held next to him.

"Don't worry, baby. I'm coming." Deadpool shouts.

"Fire!" Francis tells the soldiers.

The men on the platform begin shooting. Deadpool runs out of range.

"Hey! Climb on." Negasonic calls from across the way.

Deadpool nods and runs over, dodging bullets. She uses her powers to shoot him up to the platform. He approaches Francis, who has Seth in the oxygen depravation machine. He is too disoriented from the serum to use his strength or shifting powers.

"Motherfucker should have worn his brown pants. You're right, beautiful. Red really is my colour." He calls to his lover.

"Wade?" Seth asks.

"Don't worry, baby. I'm going to get you out of that shitbox."

"What better way to get inside that head of yours." Francis tells Deadpool.

"Oh, you never left." Deadpool says.

"But you did, asshole!" Seth says.

"Ah, take a deep breath darling. Oh wait, wrong choice of words." Francis turns the machine on and Seth starts choking.

"I hope they've blocked pain to your every last nerve, cause I'mma go looking!" Deadpool tells Francis angrily.

"You grow back body parts now, Wade? When I'm finished, parts'll have to grow back you."

"Good one. Yeah, that was a good one. Let's dance. And by dance, I mean let's try and kill each other."

They start to fight. At one point, Deadpool throws one of his swords at the machine, cracking the gas and allowing Seth to breath again.

* * *

Colossus and Angel continue to fight and Angel starts to choke him.

* * *

With Seth, he uses the sword to free himself.

"Fine, fists." Francis says once they are both disarmed.

"Sounds like your last Saturday night." Deadpool says.

They start fighting again and Francis stabs a knife through Deadpool's head. Seth ran up with the sword and skewered Francis. Deadpool looks at him and hallucinates cartoon animals. He mimes the scissors cutting and Seth mouths 'Asshole!' at him. Francis then threw Seth and Deadpool took the knife out of his head.

* * *

Back with Colossus and Angel, Negasonic used her powers to create a massive explosion, causing the platform to begin to fall and Colossus to free himself from Angel's grip and Francis gets thrown off by a crate. Deadpool and Seth start to slide off.

"Wade!" Seth shouts.

"I got you, baby. I got a plan, but you're not gonna like it." Deadpool tells him.

He puts Seth in the machine and they begin dangling off the edge of the platform.

"Don't worry. I'm totally on top of this." Deadpool tells Seth.

The platform begins falling down more rapidly. Colossus carries Angel and Negasonic out of the rubble.

"Damn it! Maximum effort!" Deadpool says.

He flings the machine with Seth in it, out of the way of the platform as it falls down.

* * *

Later, Colossus finds the machine in the rubble, with Seth still alive and inside it. Negasonic helps him out.

"Just take it slow." Colossus tells Seth.

"Yoo-hoo! Oh, my God, that was so awe-" Deadpool called out. He was standing on some rubble but Francis talked him by the side, sending them both tumbling down. They begin fighting but Deadpool has the upper hand, audibly breaking bones. Francis' bones.

"There are no words... Me and you... Are headed to fix this butterface." Deadpool told Francis.

"What? You stupid fucking idiot. Did you really think there was a cure for that?" Francis says.

"What?"

"You heard me."

"No, no! So you mean to say, after all this, you can't fix me?"

"It sounds a bit stupider when you say it."

"Like the kind of stupid who admits he can't do the one thing I'm keeping him alive for?" Deadpool asked, pulling a gun on Francis. "Any last words?"

"What's my name?"

"Who fucking cares?"

"Wade! Four or five moments!" Colossus calls to him.

"I'm sorry?" He asks the silver man.

"Four or five moments. That's all it takes."

"To...?"

"Be a hero. Everyone thinks it's a full-time job. Wake up a hero, brush your teeth a hero, go to work a hero. Not true! Over a lifetime, there are only four or five moments that really matter. Moments when you're offered a choice. To make a sacrifice, conquer a flaw, save a friend. Spare an enemy." Deadpool looked down at Francis. "In these moments, everything else falls away. The way the world sees us, the way we-"

Deadpool shoots Francis in the head and Colossus vomits.

"Why?" He asked.

"You were droning on! Sure, I may be stuck looking like pepperoni flatbread, but at least fuckface won't heal from that. If wearing superhero tights means sparing psychopaths, then maybe I wasn't meant to wear 'em. Not everyone monitors a hall like you do."

"Just promise-" Colossus started.

"Yeah, yeah, I'll be on the lookout for the next four moments. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm just a boy about to stand in front of another boy. And tell him... What the fuck am I going to tell him?"

"Well, heh, you better figure it out."

Seth came over to Deadpool and Colossus walked away.

"I can't even tell you..." Deadpool starts but Seth punches him. Hard. "I deserve that." He punches him again. "That too." Seth picks up his knee and Deadpool covers his crotch. "No, no, no, no, maybe not the nethers."

"Start talking!"

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. For everything. I'm sorry for leaving, I'm sorry for not cowboying up sooner. It's been a rough couple of years."

"Rough?"

"I live in a crack house. With a family of twelve. Every night we spoon for warmth. Everyone fights for Noelle, she's the fattest. There's nothing we don't share. Floor space, dental floss, even condoms."

"So you live in a house?"

"I should have come and found you sooner. But baby, the guy under the mask, he ain't the same one you remember."

"You mean this mask?" Seth takes off his mask.

"And this one." He has a picture of Hugh Jackson stapled to his face. "And this one. In case the other one fell off. Just, yeah, ow, like a band aid, just give it a good- Audi 5000! Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Are you sure?"

"I'm sure." Seth took off the paper. "Wow."

"Yeah."

"Hey, after a brief adjustment period, and a bunch of drinks, it's a face I'd be happy to sit on."

"I'm not the same underneath this suit either. Super penis." Deadpool told him and Seth laughed a little.

"Come on Wade, language. Young one is present." Colossus said, referring to Negasonic who was standing next to him.

"What are... What are you still doing here? Get out of here, go make yourself useful! You, go be a big brother to someone. Tell Beast to stop shitting on my lawn. And you, chicken noodle, nothing compares to you. Sinead O'Connor, 1990."

"That's alright. You're cool." Negasonic says as she and Colossus walk away.

Deadpool gasps. "What in the ass! That was not mean! I'm proud of you."

"We will make an X-Man of you yet, Wade." Colossus said.

"You know, for a second there, it felt like we were three mini-lion bots coming together to form one super robot."

"There's the stupid." Negasonic said.

"Yeah. And now, for the moment I've all been waiting for." Deadpool said, turning back to Seth.

"Come here." The young werewolf said and they start making out.

"Wham! As promised." Deadpool said, playing a song. They continue making out.

"See? You don't need to be a superhero to get the guy. The right guy will bring out the hero in you. Now, let's finish this epic wide shot, pull out, there we go, looks nice, it's gonna be the only thing pulling out tonight. Who doesn't love a happy ending? Till next time, this is your friendly neighbourhood pool guy, saying, 'I'm never gonna dance again, the way I dance with you..." Deadpool narrated, ending with him singing the lyrics of the song playing. His voice fades out.

* * *

"You're still here?" Wade asks the audience. "Go, the story finished. Just, look out for the bunch of one shots MadHattersHat27 will post. It's going to be called, 'Deadpool and the Pack.' Now go one. Go!"

He leaves.


	7. Chapter 7

**A.N. Okay, so this is a slight continuation of the story in which Seth introduces Wade to the pack. This is set after a** _ **big**_ **time skip by the way so... yeah... Enjoy! I guess...**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own anything except the plot.**

* * *

Seth came into the apartment he shared with Wade and sighed, falling down on Wade's lap and leaning back.

"You okay, babe?" Wade asked Seth, gently stroking his hair.

"I got invited to Jake and Renesmee's wedding." He said, showing the invitation.

"And that's... bad?"

"No. I'm happy for Jake, really. But it just makes me think of..."

"Our wedding." Wade helpfully supplied. The two of them had gotten married two months ago and it was pretty quiet. The only people they invited was Weasel, Dopinder, Al, Colossus, Negasonic and Yukio (Negasonic's girlfriend).

"Yeah." Seth sighed. "It's just... I'm okay with not inviting them. Now _that_ would have been awkward." Wade nodded, knowing where this was going. "But I haven't even told them we're married. Hell! They don't even know that I _imprinted_ on anyone!"

Wade took Seth's moment of self-brooding to mull things over. He didn't particularly want the pack to find out about him. Yes, he loved Seth. But he doubted the pack would see their relationship as good. Seth told him that they didn't take to Jake imprinting on a half vampire. So why would they be happy with Seth imprinting on an older man when he was 16 (although, Jake technically imprinted on a _baby_. He fell in love with a _baby_. Did Wade mention Jake fell in love with a _baby_?). Never mind the fact that he is a mercenary and looks like someone stuck his face in a blender and left it on for two days.

"Seth..." Wade started slowly.

His 19 year old lover looked up at him with those cute brown eyes of his. "Yeah?"

"What if... After the wedding. _Way_ after the wedding. We tell the pack about me. And you. And the fact that we're married." Wade braced himself for what he was 78.983% sure would be Hurricane Seth.

But he was wrong.

"What?" Seth couldn't even get the words out of him. " _You_ want to tell the pack that we're married. Are you feeling alright?" He looked far too adorable to be legal.

"Um... Yes?" It came out like a question. Because it just _had_ to come out like a question.

"Well..." Seth started, looking unsure of himself. "The wedding's in two days. So, we could tell them in, like, two months. Plenty of time between events I guess?"

Wade nodded enthusiastically but both of them new that he was purely terrified. After all , Seth was 19 and Wade was fucking 28! **(A.N. I don't know how old Deadpool is so I'm just making this up!)**

* * *

Two months later:

The day had come. Wade was terrified. Seth was terrified. Only Yukio and Colossus were supportive.

"Come on, guys. It'll be okay. I mean, we'll be on standby in case things go to Shit Town." Negasonic told them. She and Seth had gotten along pretty well, the two of them and Yukio would hang out occasionally and the two younger girls saw him as a kind of older brother figure.

"Thanks Negs." Seth told her, smiling when in actual fact he felt like shitting himself in fear. Pure fear. Unrivalled fear. Except for the fear Wade felt.

"We're here!" Dopinder called out. He was in the front with Wade, dressed in a red hoodie and black jeans. Seth, Negasonic, Yukio and Colossus were in the back... Somehow. It's a fanfiction! It doesn't _have_ to make sense.

They were at a park, there were people in it but the pack was situated some ways away. Seth and Wade exchanged nervous glances, they were banking on the fact that there were people around them, to stop the pack from freaking out or causing a scene. AKA. Turn into a wolf and terrify Wade since they technically can't kill or hurt him because of laws or shit.

Not that they would be able to, though. He'd just come back.

The plan was: Wade would stay in the car while Seth went over and explained the situation to the pack. If they took the news well, Wade could go over and introduce himself. If they didn't... well... They would cross that bridge when they came to it.

Seth had his wedding ring on his finger instead of around his neck on a black string with a katana and wolf on it. It was a gift from Wade.

"Good luck!" Everyone chorused to Seth when he got out of the car.

* * *

"Hey guys!" Seth called out to the pack, jogging over to meet them.

They turned around and Sam was the first to engage in conversation. "Is everything all right, Seth?"

"Yeah, why wouldn't it be?" Being around Wade so much and being kidnapped by Francis helped Seth to stay cool in tough situations. This... This wasn't one of those cool moments.

"Because you called us to meet you here." Leah replied.

"Well... That _might_ be because I am absolutely terrified right now and am banking on the face that there are _people_ here so you won't cause a scene." Seth finished this with a playful smile while the some of the pack just raised some eyebrows at him.

And by some, I mean all.

"Okay..." Seth started. "You know how Jake here got married two months ago?"

"Yes..." Everyone said slowly, not particularly liking where this conversation was heading.

"Well..." Seth took a deep breath. "IsortagotmarriedbeforethatanditwastothisguythatIimprintedon."

"What?" Nobody understood what he said.

Seth cleared his throat and said more slowly, "I imprinted on this _guy_ and he proposed about 6 months ago and we got married four months ago." He chanced a glance at his pack members' faces while nervously scratching the back of his head.

They all looked like someone had shown them the 'Two Girls, One Cup' video but instead of disgust was confusion.

Leah was the first to recover and she talked through gritted teeth, "So... You mean to say that you imprinted on someone, didn't tell us, he proposed to you, and you got married four fucking months ago."

"Yes?"

Leah looked close to shifting. She was _that_ mad.

"Look. Before you say anything else I think I deserve a chance to explain my situation." Seth started sternly, not leaving any room for disagreement. "I imprinted on someone when I went to a bar, but this was a few years ago, when I was 16. Then, he eventually proposed the Christmas after we met but was diagnosed with cancer the day after. After that, he left and went to this guy who said he could 'cure' him." At this point, the pack had calmed down and were now looking at Seth with a little worry. He _never_ talked about people with as much hate as he did this mystery man who said he could cure the cancer. "Anyway, Wade (that's his name by the way) went but it turned out it was recruitment to turn him into a super slave, a mutant who would be sold to the highest bidder. When he escaped, it unlocked his mutation and left severe scars that couldn't be healed. His mutation means he cannot die. Well... he can, technically, but only temporarily. Apparently he spent the next two years stalking me until I was sorta kidnapped by this crazy mutant guy who Wade ended up killing. After that, well... he proposed later, again, and _then_ we married. But we didn't tell you since it could cause a whole lot of problems. Any questions?"

They all just stared at Seth until Paul asked, "Can we meet him?"

Seth's smile faltered and the other wolves caught on. Why didn't he want them to meet his imprint?

"Uh... Sure. I guess." He sounded a little unsure of himself. "But... you are _not_ allowed to stare!" He looked quite fierce, with the snarl, the warning tone in his voice and the glowing golden eyes. So they nodded.

"Okay. I'll just go get him. He's waiting in the car." He explained to their questioning looks.

* * *

When Seth was out of sight, and hearing range, the wolves started talking.

"He _imprinted_?"

"How come he never told us he was married?"

"Why was he so nervous?"

"Did he say _kidnapped_?"

"What should we do?"

They continued to ask questions until Jake got tired of it, and snapped.

"Shut up! Yes, he imprinted, yes he married, yes he said kidnapped. And he was nervous because he is fucking _married_ and obviously was scared. No, _terrified_ about how we would react. And we should do what he told us and _not_ stare!"

This caused the others to shut up and they all watched as Seth came back to them with a taller figure, obviously male.

When Seth and Wade got within hearing range of the others, they heard the two of them arguing.

"Just take the hood down Wade!"

"No way! I want to make a good impression on these guys."

"You're not the first person they've seen with scars."

"But I'm the first person they've seen looking like they were tossed in an oversized blender!"

"Just take it off and it'll be less awkward!"

"Fine but you _so_ owe me."

"I'll make it up to you tonight." The wolves cringed at that, they did _not_ want to hear _that_.

The figure took down his hood an Seth dragged him over to the pack.

"Guys, this is Wade. Wade, this is the pack." Seth said, gesturing to each party. The pack awkwardly raised their hands in the universal sign of awkward greeting. Wade was casually leaning back as if he couldn't think of anywhere better he could be, but since he was (technically) part of the pack (in a way) they knew that he was terrified, worried and ready to bolt if things went south. But they couldn't understand why the married couple in front of them was worried.

Until they saw his face.

It looked terrifying. The stuff of nightmares. It really _did_ look like it had been tossed in a blender.

Leah got over her hesitance first, reaching her hand out. "Hi. I'm Leah, Seth's older sister. It's nice to meet you Wade. Even if I didn't know you existed until about 10 minutes ago." With this she gave Seth a _very_ pointed look to which he shrugged sheepishly.

The rest of the pack greeted the newcomer and as the afternoon passed, they got to know each other better until a... _strange_... group of people approached them.

"Ah! Seth, Wade, this is the pack of wolves, yes?" Colossus said and sat down on the grass with him.

The pack could only look on in shock at what became a progressively weirder day.

"Sorry guys," Negasonic said, not sounding sorry. "But he wanted to see how it was going and we had to come along since we wanted to see how this played out."

Wade and Seth just sighed and the rest of them continued their heated debate about the best kind of condiment.

* * *

"That wasn't too bad." Wade said, his voice muffled from where it lay in Seth's mussed up hair.

The two of them had gotten back a few minutes ago and it was now about midnight. The pack had left with promises of getting in touch.

"Yeah." Seth sighed, melting completely into Wade's grip. He sounded exhausted.

"Are you tired?" Wade asked. To anyone else, it would seem like an innocent question, but, really, it was him asking if they could have sex. And Seth knew this.

"Well..." He drawled out, turning around so he was sitting in Wade's lap and facing him. "I'm not _that_ tired."

And with that they started making out and in the morning... well... Let's just say that Seth would be walking around with a well-hid limp for the rest of the day.

* * *

 **A.N. That wasn't** _ **too**_ **bad, huh? This is the definite last chapter. By the way, if you recognise the quote then... kudos to you I guess?**

 **Th-Th-The, Th-Th-The, Th-Th... That's all folks!**


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